Sunday, December 22, 2013

Back Away From The Radio And No One Gets Hurt

Mr. Christian Man's thoughts had to be my thoughts. If they contrasted from his, I was always wrong. Black and white, no gray, no consideration of divergent thoughts or beliefs. Most of all regarding morality and values.

But not only those subjects.
Old style car radio.

One time Mr. Christian Man and I were driving home, five minutes away from our house in Diamond Bar, California. He was referring to a song playing on the radio and talking/instructing me about music, the melody, harmony, rhythmic patterns, the importance of the choruses, etc., droning on, putting me to sleep; it was so overdone. 

Not being able to take another second, I stated that although I knew this subject was important to him, that actually I didn't have any particular interest in it.

It was maybe five to seven years into our marriage and I thought I'd carefully worded my reaction as to try to avoid an issue. I'd never tried anything like it before, speaking directly but kindly.

In nothing flat however, my world changed. His face and the veins in his neck were telling me that I should not have tried to go there. He was boiling and gonna' explode. 

I know now what I didn't know then. Abusers are often hypersensitive, easily insulted. Their perception as a consequence, is they feel personally attacked. Abusers definitely desire control.

And he did.

Mr. Christian Man was infuriated that I stated such a thought, that I didn't wanna' be taught about music. Over and over he slammed his hands on the steering wheel and was not in control of the car. I don't remember how but we made it to our street, Silver Rain Drive but, he was now using those angry hands to strangle me. 

It was surreal. I felt I was watching this happen from outside my body. He'd never tried to kill me before. This felt like real stuff.

Somehow I got out of the car but before I got very far he grabbed hold of me, and threw me into a brick planter box containing bushes. I struggled hard to get up and ran to our house, going through the side wrought-iron gate to the rear of the house, an was now sitting, my arms wrapped around my bent knees, rocking myself on the grass in my perfectly beautiful daughter's swing set play area. Horribly afraid and shaking. 

After some time I thought his absence said that all was good and it was safe, I got up and was now on my daughter's swing, my body bent back enjoying the sky, my eyes closed, pumping my legs, swinging higher and higher, trying to calm myself and separate myself from the ugliness.

He'd walked up behind me, unknowingly and grabbed the swing seat somehow and held it firmly sending me flying forward and down. I didn't fly very well.

And that's what he wanted. He wanted to hurt me. And Daddy, he did. 

2 comments :

  1. I absolutely feel this is a book that needs to be read by every woman. There should be Zero Tolerance of any form of abuse. Thank you for writing such profound words.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you Jeanie. I wish I'd had this information way back in the day. I was easy prey.

    ReplyDelete